The Medical Minute: Leaving the nest for college ― transition for students, parents

It’s one of life’s most momentous days: The first-time college drop-off.

There’s excitement. Pride. Anxiety. Apprehension. And tears.

So many tears. And that’s just the parents.

It can be tough on students, too.

Overall, college drop-off day can be an emotional rollercoaster, one that is difficult to navigate. But there are ways to make the day easier for all involved.

First, embrace what the day is: A transition from youth to adulthood that is both inevitable and a rite of passage for many teens.

“It’s important to understand that this is a normal part of life. It’s part of your child becoming an adult,” said Dr. Ramnarine Boodoo, a child and adolescent psychiatrist at Penn State Health and assistant professor of psychiatry at Penn State College of Medicine. “For many people, this is the first time living away from home. And for parents, it’s the first time having a child live away from home. That could be scary for a lot of people. Letting go can be scary.”

Communication is key

Before the trip begins, whether it’s an hour away, out of state or out of the country, Boodoo suggests parents and children have a frank discussion about the transition.

“The more that parents and children communicate the better, especially if it is open and honest and people are expressing themselves in a genuine way without making the other person feel put upon,” Boodoo said. “If a parent says to a child, ‘Listen, I’m going to miss you. I’m here for you. It’s going to be hard, but this is a normal thing that you have to go through and I’m OK with that,’ that would be good. Instead of a parent saying, ‘You are going to leave me. I’m going to miss you so much. I feel like I can’t live without you.’ That may make the young person feel guilty. Communicate with that in mind. You don’t want to make the kids feel guilty.”

The initial conversation should also include a tentative check-in schedule once the student is at school. Should you be in contact weekly? Several times a week? A few texts and then a weekend video or phone chat?

Boodoo says every student and family is different. So, agree to a schedule that makes sense for both sides. And stick with it early on, setting boundaries but adjusting if necessary.

Keep it real ― but know when to dial it back

As the drop-off occurs, Boodoo said, keep that same perspective.

“By all means, do your thing. Express yourself, shed tears, hugs, kisses, all that stuff,” he said. “But if a parent has never shown that kind of emotion and all of a sudden the parent is breaking down, then you could see how that might make the child feel like something odd is going on, and think ‘Maybe I shouldn’t move away.’”

In other words, parents should keep it real, but don’t go overboard when saying goodbye.

“A mother shedding a few tears, a dad giving hugs and kisses where that isn’t necessarily usual for the family, that’s totally fine because this is a momentous occasion,” Boodoo said. “But we don’t want anybody to be bawling their eyes out or screaming or yelling or using words like, ‘I’ll never see you again.’”

The reality, Boodoo said, is most students will be home in a few weeks or months, whether that’s fall break, Thanksgiving or the end of the semester. That time in the fall without their offspring gives parents a chance to spend their energies elsewhere, perhaps with younger children, each other or on themselves. Parents may have more available hours for discarded projects or new hobbies now that one child is away.

So, let go a little. There should be no surprise visits to campus or calls to professors if your student is struggling in class. They must learn to figure out their own situations, as that’s what adulting means. But parents shouldn’t ignore their instincts, Boodoo said.

“You don’t want to be a helicopter parent. But if your gut tells you something is wrong, follow that, especially if your young person is not communicating with you as regularly as they normally do,” he said. “It might be worth it to ask if everything is OK.”

On their own

As for the students, drop-off signifies vast possibilities, Boodoo said. There’s new freedom, new responsibility, new adventures, new academic challenges, new people and new temptations. It’s a chance for students to reinvent themselves, cultivating a new identity. They’re going to need their parents along the way, but they must make their own choices and live with those consequences.

Creating familiarity helps make transitions easier, Boodoo said. So, he suggests parents and students get a sense of the college environment either before drop-off day or during it. Find the local grocery store, restaurants, campus security headquarters ― places that could be key during the first semester.

Also, he said, presenting gifts on drop-off day can provide special meaning. Maybe that’s a playlist or a sentimental item or a favorite treat ― something that triggers feelings of love and support.

They made it

Remember, attending college is an accomplishment. It’s one of the steps parents and children have worked toward for years.

“It’s important to have some degree of trust in what your child can accomplish and in the skills that you’ve tried to develop in your child for the past 17 or 18 or 19 years,” Boodoo said. “This is a way good way to ensure that the child develops normally and remains on par with their peers.”

Related content:

• The Medical Minute: Back to school health tips for parents
• The Medical Minute: Take the Back-to-School Pop Quiz
  

The Medical Minute is a weekly health news feature produced by Penn State Health. Articles feature the expertise of faculty, physicians and staff, and are designed to offer timely, relevant health information of interest to a broad audience.

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